Vase Vs. Relationship

I’ve already wrote about my recent broke up. I was in a 7 and half years relationship till July, I was still in love when our problems came out in surface, but I still was convinced he was the man of my life…

Then, in these months I realized the truth, we were great together when our relationship started, we really were one thing, so tight-knit, so close to be in one breath… but somewhere along the way, something changed!

Our relationship maybe didn’t grown up, we were so confident about our epic love to not feed it, not cultivate it, but we just hang on ourselves to it, consume it with everyday problems that life puts in front of us… we were superb, thinking that our love self feed itself, without any commit from us, thinking that it was so special that it could be the exception that proves the rule… it wasn’t this way and we were so immature to even didn’t think about this, that makes me feel so ashamed!

So, here’s the thing: after  4 months faraway, he asked me to see each other to maybe try it again

In the meanwhile I’ve done my own path, I’ve destroyed myself and rebuilt it and I’ve done as much as I can trying not to love him… and maybe I could say, I’m not that much into him now, but mostly, in this moment I’m committed in the most important relationship of my life: the one with myself!

I feel like I’m in a process I can’t and I don’t want to stop, I’ve cleared a lot my mind: about who I am and who I want to become, I’ve understand the kind of life I don’t want to live anymore and there is so much that has changed, I am so much changed that I’ve no idea if I really want to engage myself into this…I have no idea!

Plus, there’s always something that keep whispering in my hear… Does a love affair is like a broken vase?  You can also repair, but broken still remains…

When something is broken, you just can’t pretend is not, because even if you’ll start over, and decide to erase it off, deep down you know the truth, you know that you already failed once and you can tell yourself all you want, but one day or another, this knowledge will become unbearable, and when something will go really wrong, you’ll want to scream it because you already took this path once… and if you fail again it will all been wasted… all your commitment with yourself to rebuild you, all your commitment to become a better person, who deserve better, will be all for nothing and waste all this is not respectful for ourselves first…

On the other hands I really believe that anyone deserve a second chance.. it’s just that I don’t know if I can (and want) to deal with it!

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