My third stucker cow…

Ok, today I’m not really capable of write or think straight.. there is only one thing in my mind, actually it’s a while I had this thing, this “cow” in my mind…

I’m everyday focused and determined to don’t think to this cow, I’ve even tried to pictured in my mind: me opening the stockyard and let the cow go… is just that my cow doesn’t want to go or maybe that’s more probably me, who don’t want to let this cow go!

So, I’ve tried to changed my tactic: I didn’t care or I pretended I didn’t care and then eventually my cow will be gone one day, sooner or later… but that day still has to come, I’m determined to don’t think about that cow, I just want to let go, the problem is just that it still pops up in my mind…
It could be for a song or just a word in a conversation, even colours, or some sensation I feel, no matter what is just I’m filled with all these memories that I even don’t remember I’ve built up… they keep come back to me even if I refuse to think about that and when I think about that cow… I’m lost, than it became so hard to let go, even pain is sweet just because is a kind of connection with my cow… and “a kind of connection” is better than nothing…

I know that’s masochism! I know is not right, first of all for me… I know it rationally but emotionally, I’m not able to turn my thoughts off when it comes to think about that cow, with all the other cows I’ve done it, even with really heavy cows, but this one appears to be really difficult to send away…

This post title was from this older post “All or nothing“.

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